If I Only Had a Brain
by ermalope
Summary: Teen Titans to the idea of the Wizard of Oz. Robin is thrown out of his world into a strange place. He just wants to go home.
1. Sladette Gets Squashed

**I disclaim everything.**

"Set the animals free!" yelled a farmer urgently.

The door to the stables were open and three or four horses tore out of it.

"Come on! Everybody in!" yelled the farmer. His wife and their large dog came running. "Come on!" They flew into the tornado shelter. The cat wandered towards the shelter slowly. "Dratted cat!" the farmer complained.

When finally the cat was inside, the farmer climbed in himself. He peered at the advancing twister once more before latching the concrete shelter's door.

"You moron!" screamed his wife. "You've forgotten our nephew!"

In the kitchen of the soon-to-be ruined house, Robin sat listening to his very loud Ipod. He nodded his head to the music, clearly unaware of the menacing twister that was about to devastate him. His little bichon frise barked frantically at him, but he paid no attention.

Suddenly, Robin looked out the window and saw the tornado gazing at him from right outside the window.

"EEEEEK!" shrieked Robin as his Ipod crashed to the floor, which interrupted his earsplittingly loud "I Love You" performed by Barney f. various showbiz kids. He raced into his bedroom and hid in the closet.

"Hey!" yelled Killer Moth. "This is MY hiding place."

"Fine!" shouted Robin, diving under the bed and smashing his head on it in the process.

Suddenly, the house was lifted from the ground. Killer Moth was thrown from the closet and expelled through one of the windows.

Robin gave a high-pitched scream and covered his eyes. His bichon frisé hid its head in Robin's cape.

Eventually, the house landed with a sickening "SPLAT!"

Robin slowly dragged himself from under the bed. He placed his bichon frisé in his picnic basket and hurried from the bedroom.

Once outside his house, Robin saw with a jolt that there, before him, was a pair of ruby-shoed feet sticking out from under the house.

"Um, sorry about that…" called Robin merrily. He looked around. There were strange plants, a huge rainbow and migraine-inducing colours everywhere.

"I don't think we're in Kansas anymore," Robin said to Toto (his bichon frisé).

"We never were in Kansas, you moron," Toto said angrily. "And nice dress."

Robin looked down at himself, and to his horror, he was clad in an old-fashioned blue dress.

"You squished the Wicked Witch!" squeaked a voice.

"Yes he did!" squeaked another.

"Ding dong, the witch is dead, which old witch, the wicked witch. Ding dong the wicked witch is dead! Wake up you sleepy head, rub your eyes, get out of bed, wake up, the wicked witch is dead!" Very short people sang as they came out of houses.

"Um…" muttered Robin.

A few munchkins came up to him tentatively. "We represent the lollypop guild, the lollypop guild, the lollypop guild, and in the name of the lollypop guild, we wish to welcome you to Munchkin Land," they sang.

Robin came forward to accept a large lollypop and ended up stepping on a munchkin.

Unexpectedly, glitter appeared in the sky and from it popped:

"Raven!" Robin squeaked joyously. And then he flapped abashedly and tried to cover up the dress he was wearing, which really only made his wearing of a bright blue frilly dress all the more obvious.

Raven's dress, however, was a tad bit more showy.

"You think you've got problems," she muttered. Just glancing at the frothy diamondy platinumy bright white light-spewing fright gave Robin an instant migraine. "Robin, it seems that you've killed Sladette."

Robin raised his eyebrows at her, and then looked away hurriedly to sooth his throbbing brain.

"Who's Sladette?" he asked.

"Slade's wife."

"He had a wife?"

"Yup."

"Named Sladette?"

"Yup."

"Huh?"

"Robin, Slade is really dangerous, and you have no powers while you're stuck in this place. What you need is to find the Wizard of Oz so that you can get the hell out of here. But avoid Slade at all costs. Here, take Sladette's shoes, they'll protect you. Sort of. Kay bye."

Then she disappeared.

Grumbling, Robin pushed some Munchkins over and tried to walk into a strange forest.

"No! Wait!" squeaked a Munchkin. "Follow the yellow brick road!"

"YOU PEOPLE ARE STONERS!" Robin yelled as they all began to sing. He then tore down the path.

**Oh poor Robin. I even edited this story, but my portrayal of him could **_**still**_** land me in fanfiction court for character assassination. But I don't care. It's amusing.**


	2. What Does Erv Mean?

Robin ground his teeth as a pulse beat quite loudly on his forehead. He was carrying a basket full of Toto, a gigantic lollypop and a very angry chicken on his way down the bright yellow path.

"FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD! FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW FOLLOW THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD!" screamed the Munchkins so that Robin would hear them.

"I GET IT!" Robin bellowed back to them.

"Ew, a scarecrow!" remarked Robin as he and Toto reached a fork in the road. "Now which way do I go?"

"Stop bothering me with your idiocy!" Toto barked furiously.

"Okay…" Robin breathed as he glanced around for a clue. He caught sight of the scarecrow again, and now it was pointing.

"What the!" Robin exclaimed as he fell over.

"DO YOU MIND?" shrieked Toto, who had flown out of the picnic basket into a puddle of mud.

Robin looked quickly back over at the scarecrow. It was now pointing to the right instead of the left.

"ARGH!" he screamed girlishly.

"I don't know which way it is." The scarecrow said apologetically.

"You… Talk!" Robin exclaimed, staring through wide, masked eyes at Toto.

"You're… Brainless!" said Toto back, faking surprise.

"No, I am afraid that the brainless one is me," said the red-haired scarecrow. "If I only had a braaaaaaaaaain!" she sang.

"Not you, too! What is this, a musical?" asked Robin.

"Oh, IIIIIIIII could tell you whyyyyyyy, the ocean's near the shore. I could think up things I've never thunk before. And then I'd sit… And think some more! I would not be just a nothin', my head all full of stuffin', my heart all full of paaaaaaaaaaain. And I maybe might deserve you and be even worthy erv you if I only had a braaaaaaaaaain," the scarecrow sang.

Robin was staring at her. "Erv isn't a word," he said smugly.

"My name is Starfire," the scarecrow said, extending her hand.

"I'm Robin," said Robin, extending his hand.

"Maybe you should take each other's hands and shake them," Toto said slowly, as if he were talking to a toddler.

They followed his advice.

"Where are you trying to go?" asked Starfire.

"Oz."

"Well, why don't I go with you to Oz? There's supposed to be a wonderous wizard there. Maybe he will equip me with a brain!" Starfire suggested.

"And I hope he can get me home!" said Robin wistfully.

"Oz is this way!" Starfire said, and they were off.

Along their path, they met a creaky tin man. "Let's oil him." Robin suggested.

"Oh, excellent idea!" Toto said sarcastically.

"Oil can," croaked the rusty Tin Man.

"Oil can?" repeated Robin stupidly.

"It's the thing you keep oil in," explained Toto dully.

"It is there!" said Starfire excitedly, pointing. Robin took the can and oiled the tin man.

"Thanks!" said the tin man. "My name's Cyborg."

"Oh my God, Cyborg! It's me, Robin!" said Robin.

"And it is I, Starfire!" said Starfire.

"And I'm Bob, the fourth stooge who hates the other three stooges with a passion," Toto muttered sardonically.

"Perhaps you would be happier if you did not always make the mean comments, Toto," Starfire the scarecrow told him kindly.

"How do you know my name?" asked Toto suspiciously.

"Sigh," sighed Cyborg the tin man.

"What's wrong?" ssked Robin, his eyes full of concern.

"It's just… I don't have a heart." Cyborg said, obviously depressed.

"You do not have a heart?" asked Starfire sympathetically.

"No, I don't have a heart," Cyborg agreed.

"He doesn't have a heart," Robin remarked thoughtfully.

Toto feigned nausea.

"I'd be tender - I'd be gentle, and awful sentimental regarding Love and Aaaaaaaaart. I'd be friends with the sparrows ... and the boy who shoots the arrows if I only had a heeeeeeeeeeeart." Cyborg sang.

"Friend, please do not be sad any longer! I do not have a brain, and Robin wants to go home!" Starfire told Cyborg. "We are venturing to the wonderous land of Oz to visit the Wizard so that he will give us a brain and a home, and you can get a heart!"

And so, the three of them set off, Toto in tow in his muddy basket, muttering angrily. But very soon, they began to hear scary noises from the forest they were walking through.

"Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" Robin chanted solemnly, watching a Ouija board spell out a mysterious message.

"No time for Ouija boards now!" said Cyborg, pointing towards some leaves. They rustled threateningly.

"Don't worry Robin, we'll defend you!" Starfire the scarecrow said bravely.

"Um… Roar," muttered something large and furry.

"EEEK!" screamed Robin, Starfire and Cyborg.

"EEEK!" shrieked something large and hairy.

"What is that?" asked Robin.

"Dude, can't you tell? I'm a terrifying lion!" said the large and hairy something.

"No! You're just a weird little green dude," Cyborg pointed out, scowling at what was obviously (now, anyway) Beastboy.

"No, man, you're wrong. I'm a lion." The "lion" said.

Robin, Starfire and Cyborg stared at the "lion."

"Okay, fine, but I'm supposed to be a lion," he sulked. "But my morphing doesn't work for some reason."

"Why are you wearing a lion suit?" asked Robin.

"Because I'm supposed to be a lion," Beastboy said slowly. "I'm trying to fool people into thinking that I still have powers.

Robin, Starfire and Cybog stared at him.

"That sounds like a good plan to me," Cyborg said.

"Yeah, it totally worked on us," Robin replied.

"Shut up, dudes."

"Well, we're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of oz, to get a brain, a heart and a home. You can come too, and get some nerve." Starfire told Beastboy.

"Star, I don't need nerve, I need to be able to morph." But she wasn't listening to him.

"You'd be brave as a blizzard," she trilled.

"I'd be gentle as a lizard," Cyborg said wistfully.

"I'd be clever as a gizzard," Starfire added delightedly.

"That's not saying much," pointed out Robin.


	3. The Thrilling Conclusion

"Guys, I'm hungry."

"We know."

"Will you please shut up about it?"

"All I'm saying is that I'm hungry."

"WE KNOW!"

"You have told us this several times, friend."

"Stop repeating yourself, you're just making the rest of us hungry!"

"But I can't help it! I'm so hungry and there's nothing for me to do but – POPPIES!"

"What?"

Cyborg the tin man was racing, arms a-flap, towards a field of bright red poppies. Robin in a blue dress, Starfire the scarecrow, and Beast Boy the cowardly lion stared after him.

"POPPIES!" they heard him scream again, but his voice was like a foghorn stuffed with a pillow because he was so far away at this point.

Robin looked at Toto. Toto shrugged at Robin. "Okay, poppies it is." And he linked arms with Starfire and Beast Boy and off they trotted.

* * *

"Muah ha ha ha!" Slade muah ha ha ha-ed. "They will soon fall into my irresistible poppy trap!" He was watching them with a sinister gleam in his mask. Their images shimmered and swirled in his magical evil cauldron. Slade zoomed in on Robin's pig-tailed face with a wave of his wand.

"Rooooooooobin," he crooned, "You shall soon be mine! And your little dog, too! Actually, I don't care about your dog so much. I didn't even know you had a dog. When did you get him?"

And he peered expectantly at the foolishly grinning, trotting Robin in his cauldron as if waiting for the watery image to answer his question.

"You realize that he can't hear you, right?" snapped a flying monkey.

"Silence! I am expecting a very important call!"

The multitude of flying monkeys hovering about all glanced at each other. Even Cinderblock looked confused. Although it is a theory of some popularity that Cinderblock's face is simply one of permanent confusion as if to ask the question before the onlooker can even think it: "What the hell is that, a walking anvil? Why does such a thing even exist?"

But then the phone rang, so the flying monkeys relaxed a bit. But Cinderblock still looked confused. He smashed the phone with one of his giant and completely unnecessary fists.

"DAMN IT, CINDERBLOCK!" Slade shrieked. "THAT WAS PROBABLY THE IMPORTANT CALL I WAS EXPECTING!"

"Sowwwy master," Cinderblock said, and then made a new facial expression like a punctuation colon followed by a number three, thus shattering the popular theory about Cinderblock's face.

"Oh, forget it! Nothing ever goes right, does it – WHAT IS THIS CRAP?" he screamed. He was looking back at his cauldron, watching in horror as Robin and co. devoured all of his irresistible poppies.

"NOOOOO! YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO SMELL THEM, NOT EAT THEM!" And he sunk, sobbing, into the chair. That was there. In Slade's lair. "That's my snare! It's not fair! I don't care."

* * *

"Mmmm, these poppies are delicious! I wonder why I ever doubted you, Cy!" said Beast Boy through a large mouthful.

"Bleghhh rehh uuugooduh," Cyborg replied through an even larger mouthful.

Beast Boy blinked. "Well that clears that up."

"I was telling you to look over there," Cyborg said patiently after swallowing several thousand poppies.

The group all paused and looked over their shoulders at a tall, green, spiky cityscape in the distance.

"Ah ha! That must be Oz!" declared Robin. "Come on, guys, let's go see that wizard!" And so, they all linked arms again and skipped off through the poppy field.

* * *

"Um. Where is everybody?" asked Robin apprehensively, peering around at the spooky and evidently empty city.

Beast Boy hummed the theme from "It Came From Black Lagoon 2: The Creature's Thoroughly Planned Vengeance Upon It's Previous Victims Who Escaped the First Time as Well as Upon Other Characters You Couldn't Care Less About".

"Stop," advised Cyborg.

Beast Boy stuck out his bottom lip.

"Friends!" Starfire cried, pointing towards the center of town. There stood the tallest, spikiest, greenest building of them all, and enticing music and shimmering lights were wafting out of it.

"That's probably where the rest of the town is," Cyborg suggested.

"I… guess," Robin said with a frown.

"Let's link arms again," Beast Boy said, thrusting his arms out at ninety degree angles from his torso.

"I don't feel whimsical anymore," Robin told him. Starfire and Cyborg linked arms with Beast Boy anyway, and they trotted happily off. "Wait!" Robin whisper-shouted after them, but they ignored him, so he seized Toto by the ears ("Of course," sighed Toto) and bounded after them.

They stopped when they reached the building, though, because from what they could see through the large open doors, nobody was inside it either. And now the lights looked threatening and the music sounded eerie.

"Friends, I no longer think that going inside of this building is a good idea," Starfire said, fiddling with some of her straw.

"I'm with Star," said Beast Boy,

"Me too," said Cyborg.

"But… but guys!" Robin protested. "I want to get out of this dress! And also I want to go back to Kansas."

"Jump City," corrected Toto.

"Yeah whatever," gurgled Robin.

"But Robin, how do you know that the wizard is inside this building of green and nightmares? Perhaps the wizard of Oz is elsewhere!"

"Well, we won't know until we try, will we?" Robin said, and his determination inspired his friends. Sort of.

* * *

As they strolled down long, green, echoie hallways, Beast Boy hummed the theme from "It Came From Black Lagoon 3: It All Ends Here (DISCLAIMER: unless this movie makes a sizeable enough profit to suggest to the studio that further sequels will also be profitable; in which case it does not in fact end here)".

"Beast Boy, can you maybe -" But Robin wasn't able to finish telling Beast Boy to stop because the hallway, after a sharp turn, ended in an enormous room where a huge, smoky face hovered in the air glaring down at them.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" the voice boomed.

They were all speechless for a moment.

"WHAT DO YOU WANT?" demanded the large face again.

"Uhhh, um, well, you see, what it is, is that -"

"Guuuh, I don't really - I'm not - I don't have - I'm here with -"

"I can't seem to remember what -"

"Oh please do not be angry, we are simple travellers -"

Toto rolled his eyes and pranced to the front and centre.

"Robin wants to go home and to not be wearing a dress anymore. Starfire wants a brain. Cyborg wants a heart. And Beast Boy wants to be able to morph. We were told by some very persistent short people that you could help us, so we came here. That is all."

The face made a face. It was not a happy face made by the face.

"I FIND YOUR REQUESTS RIDICULOUS! WHO WOULD EVER WANT TO LEAVE OZ? AND THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY FOR SOMEONE TO BE ALIVE WITHOUT A BRAIN OR A HEART. AND YOU ARE STILL ABLE TO MORPH, YOU JUST HAVE TO TAKE THE STUPID LION SUIT OFF! IT'S TOO THICK TO ALLOW YOU TO CHANGE SHAPES!"

"But I put the suit on _after_ I found out that I couldn't shapeshift -"

"SILENCE! I'M NOT FINISHED BERATING YOU!"

But Robin was no longer listening. He was looking at a small green curtain, behind which a bald man with a sinister grin was darting about.

"Who's that?" Robin asked the large face, pointing.

"YOU MEAN, 'WHOM'S THAT'."

"No, I really don't, I mean, 'who's that' as in who is that old bald guy behind that curtain?"

"ERR, PAY NO ATTENTION TO THAT BALD OLD GUY BEHIND THE CURTAIN! I AM THE WIZARD OF OZ! THOSE STONER MUNCHKINS SCREAMED THIS AT ME THEMSELVES, AND IF THEY DON'T KNOW, THEN NO ONE DOES!"

But the huge smoky face began to sputter and pop, and then all at once it exploded, as did whatever equipment the bald man was fiddling around with behind the green curtain.

"Robin, it's Mad Mod!" Beast Boy exclaimed.

The four Titans took their attack stances and turned to face him as he emerged, fanning the smoke away from his face with both hands.

"Mad Mod!" greeted Robin in his menacing villain-greeting way, as the other three bared their teeth behind him.

"Oh come on, now, my duckies!" he spluttered. "I was just having a laugh!"

"But how is Robin supposed to get home?" demanded Starfire indignantly. "If the Mad Mod is the wizard of Oz, then what hope do we have of solving our problems?"

Before anyone could answer her there were two loud POOFS! And there, standing next to them, was Raven, the Good Witch of the North, and Slade, the Wicked Witch of the West.

"Slade," greeted Robin in his menacing villain-greeting way, and the other three faced their attack stances at the masked man.

"Mod, you were supposed to call me when they got here!" Slade spat.

"I called you when they got to your poppy field, but it only rang twice and you never picked up, my ducky."

"No! I wanted you to call me AS SOON AS THEY GOT TO OZ, not when they got to my poppy field!"

"But I thought you'd appreciate knowing the moment they got to your poppy field!"

"I could see them in my poppy field using my cauldron!"

"Well then why did I even have to call you in the first place, if you could have just used your magical cauldron?"

"… Shut up! Robin, I'm about to get you, my dearie, for dropping a house on Sladette!"

He took a step towards Robin.

"Not so fast, Slade!" Raven monotoned. "He's still wearing Sladette's fancy shoes. You can't get him while he's wearing those shoes."

Slade cocked his head at her. "Oh come on, that's bull." And he leapt at Robin.

Starfire, Cyborg, Beast Boy, and Raven all leapt in front of Robin and Toto protectively, and fought the simultaneous attacks of Slade and the old bald Mad Mod, who was just swatting at anyone who came near him with an umbrella.

"Robin!" yelled Raven as she zinthosed Slade, "Click your heels together three times and chant, 'There's no place like home!"

"Why?" Robin said with a masked eyebrow lifted in confusion.

"Because it'll transport you back to Kansas!"

"We don't want to go to Kansas!" bellowed Toto.

"Why don't you just use the dark energy to get us all back to the T Tower?" Beast Boy suggested helpfully before he chomped on Slade's leg.

Raven shrugged and the Titans began to gather, but then Mad Mod caught Robin with a glancing blow from his umbrella.

* * *

"Wh- where am I?" Robin muttered groggily. His four teammates were crouched around him, peering anxiously at his face.

"Oh joyous circumstance!" Starfire cried, clapping her hands together in delight. "We though you wouldn't wake up for at least one more day!"

"What?" Robin asked.

"You were training on one of the machines – not sure which one – and you accidentally launched yourself into the air and you hit your head on the ceiling," Beast Boy explained, "Dude, you left a crack the size of an extreme-size vegan pizza in the ceiling."

"I had the strangest dream!" Robin said, awestruck. "You were there, and you were there, and you were there, and you were there, and Slade was there, and Mad Mod was there, and Killer Moth was there…." Toto squirmed his way in between Raven and Beast Boy.

"Well, I certainly hope I wasn't there. Your dreams are always really irritating experiences," he said.

"Ye- no, you weren't there," Robin told him. "Wait, who are you?"

Toto rolled his eyes. "I'm Toto, you idiot."

Because none of Robin's friends said anything to elaborate on this statement, and because none of them looked confused in the least, Robin simply replied, "Oh, right."

**I wrote this at work. So technically, I got paid to write parody Teen Titan fanfic. Not a bad deal, really.**

**Also, Rent reference ftw.**


End file.
